There was a lot right with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The array of complex characters, the banter, every single thing about Anya “Can I trade in the children for more cash?” Jenkins. But there’s a blight on the show’s otherwise sterling legacy, and it ain’t season seven. (Lies. It is, actually, season seven.)
I rewatched Buffy recently, and let me tell you, I had completely forgotten how eye-scorchingly atrocious the outfits are. Or maybe “blocked out for my own mental health” is the right way to put it. Damn the ’90s to the lowest corner of the Hellmouth. I mean, look at this stuff:
Xander’s infamous mushroom shirt from season one’s “The Harvest.” This entire list could just be Xander’s shirts, but then we’d miss out on Willow’s bizarre overall fetish, and that just won’t do.
Vampire Willow in the classic episode “Doppelgangland” may have had amazing fashion sense, in a ’90s Hot Topic sort of way, but her mortal counterpart… not so much.
Willow, why are you smiling? First the sweater, now this hat? You should be grimacing in shame.
Good God, it has a twin.
Cordelia was generally a flawless character in most respects, but even she had the occasional fashion misstep, like this pair of shiny (satin?) blue trousers.
Don’t start feeling too secure, Xander. You’re on this list as long as you keep wearing atrocious ruffled shirts…
…clothing made out of upholstery…
Buffster, you’re not allowed to look so judgmental when you look like you’re popping by the Bronze on your way to a PTA meeting.
“Aw man, I’m gonna gel my hair, put on a leather jacket and a sweet satin shirt, and get broody. Chicks’ll be all over me!” And they were.
I’m prevented on a psychological level from being too snarky here, because if ’90s me had seen this outfit in a store, she totally would have bought it. Same goes for a lot of Willow’s clothes, actually. I’m projecting with the overall and hat derision. I’m not proud.
Joyce’s death wasn’t the only tragic thing about “The Body.” Willow, you are dishonoring your best friend’s dead mother with that jean skirt.
Dawn got a lot of flack from fans for being generally obnoxious, but can we really say the responsible party wasn’t the brain-frying fumes from a neverending parade of Delia’s catalogs?
This isn’t even that bad by Xander’s standards, which really says a lot.
Even the extras weren’t immune. Anyone who can wear that ugly brown dress over a button-up shirt without bursting into flames is the real hero.
Take that skinny string belt and strangle yourself with it. How dare you.
Season one of Buffy was a special time.
“Jenny Calendar wasn’t the best-dressed, but at least she never wore anything horrib–C R I M P E D. H A I R.”
Well, at least Buffy’s shirt will keep the air circulation around her torso going. You don’t want to overheat when you’re fighting the supernatural.
You’ve all been troopers. For a palate cleanser, I’ll send you off with a reminder of the best outfit Buffy ever had: